Happy Birthday, Dad!

Dog Shaming
Remember in college when you had a birthday month or a week at the very least? Anyone who is a parent can tell you that your birthday isn’t quite the same after you have children, especially if you have more than one and they are under the age of ten. Don’t get me wrong, it is wonderful to have them excitedly wish you happy birthday and provide you with cute kid made cards. Your birthday has changed not necessarily for the worse, just for the more interesting and more sober. Here is the story of one J’s birthday.
Today’s your special day so make sure you sleep in, or wait a minute, you work today so you will be up at 6 am. You have just spent the last 4 days in Barcelona “for your birthday” with two small children who shouted at Sagrada Familia and threw rocks at Guell Park, so sorry Mr. Gaudi. It’s so nice to have everyone wish you a happy birthday at work, except that you pissed everyone off for pointing out a scheduling error, so you spent the day as public enemy number one 🙂
Not to worry though, your loving wife prepared you your favorite dinner…sorry sweetie they don’t have premade croissant dough for your chicken puffs in Dublin, hope you like puff pastry :0 You survive mealtime with only 1 child falling from their chair to the floor, both children screaming for more juice, and your son taking everyone’s fork, and oh yeah, your jerk of a dog whining at your cupcakes cooling on the kitchen counter. This brings us to our next adventure…..said jerk dog has used your Ikea stepstool to get onto the counter and wolf down 6 red velvet cupcakes, wrapper and all, in a matter of milliseconds. You spend your 33rd birthday researching how much theobromine is in baker’s cocoa and how much of this it will take to kill your 65 pound moron of a dog. Let’s see at least 4-6 oz to kill him and there was 2 Tbsp baker’s cocoa in 30 cupcakes divided by six….hmmmmmm you determine in your expert opinion that the dog should make it. Good thing because we don’t even have a vet here yet! Just when you are feeling exuberant over your mathematic abilities your wife informs you the little 3 year old living in your house has colored on the kitchen table with, gasp……a black sharpie. No worries, your company has paid to rent your furniture here and I’m sure they aren’t at all strict about paying for goods you damage. Here is where the magic eraser gets a kudos….fellow parent friends you may want to file this in your brain under “object that will erase anything”. Yes, it took all of the Sharpie off the table, whew!
Now, get your @$$ upstairs, Dad, those kids aren’t going to bathe themselves! When you get downstairs it’ll be time for those cupcakes (the ones that are left). Bad news from the wife “So sorry, four hours on the counter just wasn’t long enough for the butter to get soft, so the icing was lumpy and had to be redone; looks like we can have birthday cupcakes tomorrow.” In Florida that butter would’ve been soft in 30 minutes flat or seconds if left outside! Just as you are wrapping your head around this last statement a three year old begins screeching in the background, “Buster, you’re gonna die!” followed by an unrelated, “I want my cupcake, now!” You look around to see Buster sleeping on the couch like Snow White after eating a poisoned apple and quickly try to remember those symptoms from the dog website…oh ya, nausea, diarrhea, and seizures, nothing about coma like slumber. Thank goodness! “No, no” you yell as you realize three year old child is shoving tea lights into your unfrosted cupcakes. “Daddy, Mommy forgot to get you birthday candles, but it’s ok….I found these ones!” Awesome you think…..up next is the bedtime battle complete with arguing over who gets to turn on the water and who gets the toothpaste first. No biggie because you know at least your own mother will call you to wish you a happy birthday, at least she is still your number one fan. The phone rings and its her…she says “Happy birthday, don’t you know, I felt so bad last night because I thought it was your birthday and I realized I hadn’t told you when we spoke earlier. Then I remember it was tomorrow, but forgot about it again today. I thought it might be too late to call you (she is five hours behind us) but then figured it was only eight o’clock, so happy birthday!” Thanks Mom for the TMI, a happy birthday would’ve done just fine.
My real reward came at the end of the night for the kids when my 18 month old son asked for me to put him to bed and my daughter curled up in my lap for a bedtime story. Nothing beats this kind of chaos with so much love and glue, and glitter, and dumb brown dog…..I wouldn’t have my birthday any other way. On a side note the magic eraser also erased the finish off of my kitchen table, so be cautious my friend, be cautious. Welp, I’m off to have some Jameson and an unfrosted cupcake beside my big, dumb brown dog and listen to my little girl play in her room “quietly” thinking we don’t know she’s awake.


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