Happy F*&£ing Birthday!

Well happy birthday to me! Today I am 32 years old so not exactly a monumental birthday…..I just the other day was like, “I’m OK with this whole being 30 thing. Then I realized I was nearly 32, Shit!” If you don’t have kids let me give you the quick rundown of a birthday as a parent. It’s really just another day, one in which the little ones in your life get excited to make cupcakes. Hell, they would make cupcakes for a homeless person just to fight over licking the batter off the bowl and spatula. I thought I might sleep in this morning as it is one of the few vices I have. 

Miss P woke up and stomped down the hall, threw my door open, and started talking in the loudest voice ever. Seconds later my son woke up screaming and angry from being prematurely awakened. My mom (who is visiting) was totally confused at the prospect of getting the baby….she thought I was getting him. The kids wanted to eat chips for breakfast to celebrate my birthday, of course, so I said yes and that is what we did. Our real breakfast was eggs and nobody wanted a thing to do with that, so while my cafe con leche got cold in its cup, I attempted to chase two little monsters down and get them to eat. No such luck, my friends.

Next up a trip up to the Embassy to get our mail. So awesome that we can no longer park our vehicles inside the gates and none of the staff seemed to know the code for the pedestrian gate. I went through front and all the way to mail room where the man behind the desk was like, “Oh, you have a lot of mail…you are going to need a trolley (Irish for a cart).” Great I will just load up a cart with a bum front wheel, take it up the elevator, all the way outside and around to my car and then once I load all the boxes into my car, I will just turn around and bring it back inside. Not to mention that Miss P was dragging behind me because she filled up her “purse” with a crap ton of stuffed animals and play jewelry. It must have looked like the Mardi Gras parade after we left. 

No birthday is complete without a trip to the grocery store, so it was off to the Tesco we went. There was one, tiny space left which I squeezed our car into. My little girl got stuck getting out of her door because it was so close to the car next to us. Forty five minutes later Miss P and I completed our shopping and realized we had no room to open the doors wide enough to fit our grocery bags into the car. I somehow managed to shove them through the driver’s side door, over the console and into my son’s empty car seat. I used a similar maneuver with my daughter and then got into my seat (barely). 

Home again home again jiggity jog! I literally took half an hour to drag all the bags and boxes into the house whilst trying to prevent Mr. Big from escaping from inside the house. He waited in the kitchen like an angry bull, sniffing & snorting underneath the door. Thanks to a new set of Legos (in one of the 100 boxes I brought home) neither child was interested in lunch, so after enjoying my own salad I played the bad cop. I dealt with a stage 5, full man child tantrum yet still barely any lunch was eaten by either child. Can you believe they were suddenly hungry when they saw some chocolates on the counter? So weird how an appetite can reappear. After another short lived wig out by my son I was able to put him down for his afternoon nap. 

My mom asks me if she should start the cupcakes at 330PM and I figure an hour should be enough time to get cupcakes into the oven. Wrong! My mom kept closing out of the recipe I had pulled up online and commented, “Your computer is weird!” Ummmm no, Mom, it is called a touch screen! Over an hour later the cupcakes were baking and then my mom started making my favorite dinner: Chicken Puffs. Only thing was she wigged out a bit because she said, “It’s been like 10 friggin’ years since I made these, I forget what I did.” A few minor hiccups later and dinner was made. Once again neither child was hungry and why should they be? They haven’t eaten at all today! Miss P ate a plate of broccoli and Chase was busy screaming and kicking on the floor over the Lego train he couldn’t part with. 

I might add that I spent an unknown amount of time refereeing a two year old and a four year old who fought over aforementioned Lego train. My son also had a major wig over the fact that his juice was in the pirate cup and wanted his milk in the pirate cup, duh….how didn’t I know that when yesterday was the exact opposite. Thanks kids for a happy birthday full of screaming, fighting, and eating the chocolate cake batter that was supposed to be for me. 

I don’t think I will even waste your time discussing bath and bedtime because it was a shit show. I finally make it downstairs and all I want is one of my effing chocolate cupcakes. My mom has a sheepish look on her face and says, “I have some bad news for you…..You know that big vase of yours? Well, I was in the kitchen clean and the cutting board fell….it shattered the vase.” She paused for a long moment before continuing….”And ummmm the cupcakes were right there, so I threw out about half a dozen that were really close to the vase and the others I think are OK. Well, maybe we shouldn’t give them to the kids until we try them.” Ground glass cupcakes, thanks a lot Mom! What are you John Gotti’s grandmother passively killing the enemy with ground glass in baked goods instead of spaghetti sauce? 

Well you know what? I ate one and I’m still alive as of now, so there is hope. I got the courage after drinking a pint of Guinness which was actually my first order of business after the kids went to bed. Ahhhhhh there is always tomorrow….Miss P’s first day of school. So look forward to another post as to what is sure to be an interesting day. 

 

Cheers,

 

Heather 

 

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