Merry Christmas, Shitter’s Full!!!!

Moms have their hands full around the holidays and often end up dealing with shitty stuff, literally. Anyone who has more than one child can tell you it is one of the worst things is in this world to take your small children to the grocery store. I wasn’t planning on writing a post today but after I fished half of a box full of Kleenex tissue out of my toilet, I decided it deserved to be written about.

When you don’t have kids you go to the grocery store whenever it suits you because it doesn’t matter how crowded it is. Like a general, a mother must make a strategic battle plan to limit the amount of time she spends in the store, as well as the amount of children she must bring with her. Mom would go to the Tesco at 4am if it meant Dad was home to watch the kids, if only the store was open at that early hour.

The Irish generally don’t rush to get to things, so I knew if I got to the store by 945 am there would be a good chance it wouldn’t be a nightmare. I found a nice mom & baby parking spot (this is just a regular size parking spot in the States but here it is really the only spot I can park my car in). I even had my euro in my pocket to release a grocery cart. The kids ran to play in the toy bus outside of Tesco while I freed our cart. In a second, my son decided to make a run for the escalator and I gave chase after him. I called to my daughter to grab his hand and get on it with him, so he didn’t fall. I was right behind them both as I pushed my cart onto the escalator. Then C man bolted up the escalator with his big sister running after him.  The problem was that my cart with my reusable bags and purse inside was locked in place on the escalator as I fought desperately to get to my kiddos. A store employee watched them run off and gave me a compassionate look.

She pointed me in the general direction they had run. I was in a panic because I couldn’t hear or see them. I knew no harm would come to them in this small store, but I was so nervous that they weren’t anywhere in sight. There was a few directions they could have run and I didn’t know where to begin. Then I heard a shitty little, mischievous boy laugh and I spotted Miss P, trying unsuccessfully, to find me while hanging onto the equivalent of a greased pig. I shoved C in the shopping cart and rushed through the store to finish my shopping. Luckily, the trip was uneventful until I got everything unloaded in the car and both kids into their car seats. I remember, at that exact moment, that we had forgotten to get our Christmas ham from the butcher located in the same shopping center as the grocery store. Crap!

We made it home and unpacked our goods while Buster tried to cherry pick out of the grocery bags. He changed his mind and snatched a dried up piece of toast left on the counter and swallowed it whole. I watched helplessly as he walked out to the living room and vomited a huge pile of nasty onto my rug. The only rug on the first floor, which is otherwise wooden floors, was the perfect place to upchuck. I am completely grossed out by vomit and decide to use an old towel to scoop up this giant mess. I throw the towel out and pour water onto the rug, so my husband (he is an expert carpet cleaner) can properly clean the spot when he arrives home tonight.

In the middle of this, I hear my son screaming for me to get him; we are talking the kind of scream you would expect to hear if he were being eaten alive by a pack of wolves. Nope, it turns out he had accidentally shut the baby gate and wanted to come downstairs. Half way up the stairs my bladder reminds for the 4th time that I really have to go NOW. I run, with my son in tow, downstairs to our 1/4 bath which doesn’t allow you to shut the door if you want to be able to fit into the bathroom. NOOOOOO!!!!!! Someone (a 4 year old girl to be exact) has used an entire box of Kleenex to wipe her heinie. The 1/4 bathroom is located directly next to our front door, so I take a leap of faith and fish it out quickly, while throwing it out the front door. I will deal with it later (hopefully I remember). Jay-sis (as the Irish would say) it is not even 11 am yet…..where is this day headed?

I am going to hope for the best today and attempt to make cookie dough, bake 2 batches of banana bread, and keep my house from looking like south Florida after Hurricane Andrew hit. Oh and I have to prepare lunch and dinner and clean up after both. I’m sure the laundry needs done (it always does), and the dishwasher will undoubtedly need emptied too. If only the kids could refrain from fighting over the Christmas gifts they weren’t supposed to open yesterday  or maybe the dog could stop barking at bread on the counter? Ahhhh one can hope.

Happy Christmas week!!!!! I think tonight is going to end with a bottle of Cabernet and National Lampoon’s Christmas vacation on repeat.

 

Cheers,

 

H.

 

 

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